Burst My Bubble

Once upon a blog. I think early on when I started this blog, I was on my may to moving to a new town, new job, new life, etc etc etc. Alas, all good things must come to end whether we want them to or not. I am now officially being "let go" of at the office. It was resign or be terminated. How nice! So, darling Adam. My sweetest sweet, has now opened his home to me in my time of dire need. I had not imagined moving in here this way. I had envisioned March when my verbal contract with the land lord was up. Now I am drowning in paperwork at the office, drowning in anxiety, stress, and other such unpleasant things to contemplate, like losing my kick-ass new car I bought myself for my birthday this year. I already know the ex is reveling in this thought, as if to say I told you so. Yet, it doesn't seem so bad when I think I've got Adam who is supporting me in so many ways that I can't quite name them all or fathom just how grateful I should be right now. I don't think losing the job is a total loss, just came at a really shitty time of year. Oh well, I need to go do some internet job searching and resume prepping. Fun-fun-fun.

~ Just me~


...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Hammer To Fall

Very early on with Adam I mentioned something about waiting for the hammer to fall or perhaps the other shoe to drop. Things were/have been/are gong very very well. It's almost too good to be true things are going so well. Adam continually jokes about bodies in the back yard that I haven't found yet. Tongue firmly planted in cheek when he says this.

Last night, I about cried tears of joy. Ok, I did, but since we were in the shower, he really couldn't see them. I got a sweet little serenade in that shower. Elvis! Yes, he sang me an Elvis song that was playing on the radio. "I can't help falling in love with you." It was just too damned sweet. Again, what did I do to deserve this one?

And again with the dancing in the kitchen or wherever without the music. Mmmmm.... Chemistry is a wonderful wonderful thing to have. It's quite awesome to say the least. I can't believe how lucky I feel right now. Talk of March, if we're still working out well enough etc etc. I may be moving in with him. It might happen sooner if I get shit canned from work. Not sure what to say about that just yet. Good that he's willing be supportive in a number of ways, kinda frightening to think of depending on someone else again for support.

Yeah, done the independent woman thing. I know I can do it on my own. I know it's possible to do it on my own. I have decided that it sucks to be on my own without someone to cuddle with, talk to, and otherwise share my life with. Human nature? Or human neediness? Not sure. I just know that right now, I wouldn't trade Adam for a million bucks unless that million came with his clone. Riiiiiiiight. Oh well, I need to et back to work here. Fun.

~Still a very happy Tammolly


...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Grrr- Arrg- And Other Explicative Noises

Adam- oh sweet heaven sent man. Gotta say I adore him more now than ever. Yeah, he's still around. It's a great feeling! The more time I spend with him, the more I like him. All we seem to do is talk and talk and talk and cuddle and talk.... Mmmmmmm. In fact, we talked so much the other weekend on our way up to Gallowglass, we wound up in Wisconsin by accident instead of Rockford, IL. Yeah, it's all good.

The night before last at 02:30 JM calls my phone. I am deep into sleep, trying to break a fever, trying rest and otherwise not wake Adam up with the tossing and turning. JM...... Drunk as ever, but eerily calm drunk, calls my phone. Adam remained remarkably calm, in fact I think he went back to sleep right after I answered the phone. Although, he said something about the next time it happens, he'll happily tell JM to call back later at a respectable hour. Riiiiiiiight. I know if the shoe was the on the other foot, I wouldn't much like that idea of his ex girlfriend calling etc etc etc.

Not sure what to make of the whole ordeal. I just know that I found it disturbing. I couldn't get back to sleep very well, I know I was talking in my sleep, and man was my mind moosh yesterday after all that. What should be more disturbing now? The fact he's called me twice, drunk, and unable to make any kind of sense. Or the fact that he wished me well with Adam and then told me he'd call me when he was ready to talk to me? Both? Neither? And then I wonder how much of this I should talk to Adam about as well. He says I can tell him anything on my mind. I can believe that up to a point, but the where's the line? I'd rather not cross it accidentally.

So, Adam is my guy. I utterly adore him and I'm trying to talk myself into understanding just what it is about the whole JM thing that compels me to see it through to the bitter end. Uh, yeah. Closure or something. Yet, closure could come with a cost, meaning Adam may decide to walk due to JM trying to return to the picture. Grrr- Arrrg-And Other Explicative Noises!

Adam is so sweet, he's reminding me of the first kiss anniversary from 3 weeks ago. October 19th! Yeah baby! It was endearing tonight. The fact we wind up dancing in his kitchen without music is also cute. Not sure what I did to deserve such a cutie. I told him I loved him after the JM call. Talked about it that morning. His response was that it was the closest he'd ever felt to being in love himself. I'm going to go melt now. Too sweet!

~ A Happier Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Taking A Chance

So I took a wild chance these past weeks. I took a chance on someone that I was really afraid to ask out and gamble my pride on the off chance that A) he had a girlfriend or B) he didn't like me. So I got the cajones to ask him out sometime. Before I ever met JM, long before most of the idiots came along in the past year, there was someone I always kinda liked and wondered about within my fencing group. About a year and a half ago, he stopped showing up to our practices. I assumed he was a student at Purdue and moved on, but that wasn't the case when he returned about two weeks before JM came along and became a painful reminder as to why I think dating usually bites ass!

So this guy warrants the use of a name, not a nickname, or initials!!!!!! Adam, very sweet, quiet, smart, intelligent, funny, and about a million other nice things that kinda blank out in my mind. The word stable comes to mind too. I've found this sweet spot in my mind that continues to grow very fond of him and his presence in my life. Oh and he loves cats and that's great too! LOL

We went out last Friday to go see Serenity. He seemed to like it a lot. Got the pseudo cozy bench seat at the theatre and cuddled up. The bench sucked for comfort, but allowed for snuggle-time which was nice. :) YES! Dinner was good, went to LBC, shot some pool at his friend's house, and then saw the movie. After the movie, well, we came back to my place and we watched a few more movies I think. Again, very nice, and he's sweet and cuddly and has a few cute quirks about his belly being scratched. It's kinda fun to have the power to make someone instantly twitch like a sweet spot on a dog that makes his leg thump on the floor uncontrollably. I'm evil, I know, I'm just terrible.

I'm TOTALLY self-conscious about smoking because he doesn't smoke etc-etc-etc. He's fine with it he tells me. Ok. I had my last smoky-treat last night around 8 or so. So far today, things seems to be going ok with the I am trying to quit this nasty habit without bloodshed scenarios! In the meantime, he's very generous and attentive towards me. Offers his washer and dryer to me. Just likes to touch me somewhere, anywhere, so long as he's touching. It's not even annoying, I kinda like it. I could get used to this sort of sweetness on a more daily basis.

Tonight, I think we might take a break and stay in our own beds for a night or two in order to get some sleep. I mean, we've been going to bed after 1 in the morning and getting up around 7 or slightly earlier for myself. Yikes! Neurotically tired, but a good kind of tired. =) Uh-huh. I'm just trying to be mindful of the whole JM disaster and not crowd Adam to the point of making him want to hide. This weekend, we're going to Gallowglass to have a fun fencing seminar weekend and maybe see some sights in Chicago on the way there. FUN! Time for me to go for now.

A Very Content ~ Tammolly ~ =)

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Rules

Made a decision yesterday. After a bit of counsel from a co-worker that happens to have a PhD in therapy and a life of experience in relationship management. I found a path that I felt was acceptable after having lost control of the situation that nearly broke me into pieces and made me absolutely nucking futs for a few weeks. Not that I ever want to be labeled an anal freak and schedule time with someone, but I decided on a schedule of contact or attempted contact where JM is concerned. Call twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays around 5 PM. If he doesn't answer, leave a message as a reminder that I'm still here, still thinking of him and still trying to hang onto hope of some kind. After sorting that out in my head yesterday and following the advice of an office mate, I feel relieved. JM's response was a few IMs while I slept last night, knowing full-well that I was already in bed. It doesn't matter. I have his attention. I will not chase what will run as fast or faster as I can go. I don't want to be like the ex-stalker-girlfriend who violated the poor man's personal space and safety mechanisms. He's lost that bit of control in his life, so I understand the need to have ALL the shots called by him and him alone. It's a terribly frightening place in life to be when stuff like that happens. Scary! Alas, my lunch is almost over and this is me talking out loud and attempting to make some sense out of the mysteries of relationships. Fun stuff!

Tammolly ~ Still breathing.

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Mildly Cornfused Here ~Otherwise Known As The Weekend Adam Didn't Call :)~

I thought maybe I had settled down and calmed about the whole JM thing going wacky for no apparent reason. Maybe if he reads this he'll see. Maybe if he reads all of this blog, he'll understand. I really don't know. I'm at a loss. I finally heard from him, he was drunk and sorry for what he did. Something about getting lost in himself again and feeling scared. Something about how everything in his life that he touches turns to shit and that the only reason he was alive was because of his daughter and how much he loved her. He then said he didn't know what he wanted right now. I said friends, he agreed he needed friends, lots and lots of friends and how he hated being alone. Then told me what a great person I was and how I deserved better than him. I can't see how someone could have been any better. The time we did have together was damn near perfect as it can get. So much in common. So much to laugh about and share. It was great! I was totally taken by his sweetness and charm. I can't say how much it perplexes me to think that taking away my choice in the matter would make it ok for him to run away scared. Shouldn't that be up to me? A part of me wants to walk away from it and be done. The very caring side of my nature says he's worth trying to help sort things out and do whatever it is he needs to get himself to together. Whether it be in friendship or as lovers, it doesn't matter to me. You can't feel so strongly about someone in such a short time and then just walk away when they get a little shaky. I now understand he's been through some emotional hell with a divorce. Our childhoods are so similar that I can utterly relate to the angst and torment that has to be overcome in order to be a well adjusted human being. I find it ironic that whenever a man has something emotionally important to say, it comes after a bottle of choice alcohol has been downed. I have to wonder if he even remembers talking to me on the phone at all. It's very frustrating and I can't help but feel a bit cornfused here. I care so much and think little about myself when it comes to him. I wish he could see that and not be afraid to talk to me about what's really going on in that head of his. I'm not here to pass judgment on another's feelings and emotions. After a year on my job and learning about life on my own, I want something good in my life and I feel at this moment, it is him that I want in my life. Imperfect is ok. Life doesn't have to be perfect and it rarely is in my eyes. I know he's not perfect and neither am I, but I am ready to work things out and help him if I can. He's gotta see that there are people out there that genuinely care about him. I know a child's love is nearly unconditional and that much I think he understands, but can't see there's room for another in his life. I've tried to make it clear to him, but right now, it seems like mud. Alas, I'm gonna try and sleep on this one and hope he sees what I'm trying to tell him. It's ok to be scared, it's ok to be afraid, and it's ok to feel that way. No less a man for crying and more a man to admit what it is he's thinking. GAH! I wish life could be simpler, but it's not sometimes. A poem follows with what I feel to a point. Sometimes fate and others conspire as well as the internal self to sabotage what we want out of life....

Sweetheart

The tyranny of distance,
Oceans in between.
Torn hearts of lovers,
Never to be seen.
Behind closed doors,
The rasping cry of sorrow.
No longer can this happen,
Not after this tomorrow.

The tyranny of distance,
This must be the dream.
Old thoughts of passion,
What could it possibly mean?
Love is not a hardship,
Nor should it bring souls grief.
ItÂ’s a matter of perspective,
Not just belief.

The tyranny of distance,
Joined at the crux.
Two lovers bound,
An ever changing flux.
The music plays softly,
Darling melodies of tenderness.
Never again away in time or place,
Linked forever and never a day less.

T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

A Good Week- CRASHED LIKE NASCAR

Well... Somehow life took one massive U-Turn after last weekend. I went from ecstatic to rock bottom and misery in a matter of days. Yeah, you got it. JM- a proverbial chicken shit, ran away after getting the goodies and nary a rhyme or reason why he felt the need to vacate my life like a stealth weasel. Tried calling, at least once a day, IM messages, phone text. Felt that maybe something had happened to him and no way to know. Now, I see his ass on-line, but he's not talking to me. What the fuck? An explanation would be nice! Change your mind? Find someone else to screw? Didn't like the way I have sex? WHAT?!!!!!!!!! Yah know what I mean? Hell, I'd rather hear he thinks I'm a lunatic or that I'm a little too racy or not right for him and his daughter than nothing at all..... It's very chicken shit to run off and hide if you ask me. Maybe if he was an ass, I'd feel better about all the sweet cutesy things he did for me, like make me a home made amaretto cheesecake. Made me feel pretty darn good about myself. Real boost to the ego and I laughed. He had this infectious laugh and sweetness..... And now, gone. Cried a few times, felt like maybe, just maybe things would work out, because there seemed to a great chemistry going on. So what the hell did I do wrong? Or am I just a victim of typical male behavior? It seems the latter is now true, because I feel used and cheap and discarded like old news papers. I'm gonna be ok.... I know I will be ok. I mean... Fuck.... I spent so much time trying to be ok with living alone. Trying to be ok with the fact that sometimes I am lonely, but it won't kill me. Then WHAM! Someone came into my life and it seemed perfect and right and good. Now, I gotta start all over again. Talk myself into that state of mind where I'm not ready to fall to pieces at any given moment. FUCK! This sucks ass.

~A Cranky Tammolly


...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

A Good Week

So far, it's been a great week, with the exception of JM's car deciding to crap out on him. So plans for Feast of the Hunter's Moon were kinda canceled. Not his fault I'm sure. I'm sure all the extra highway miles coming up here from Indy kinda pressed the car's protest by breaking itself at an inconvenient time. I was looking forward to not only spending time with him, but with his daughter as well. They are a package deal that I am willing to accept and grow into. She looks adorable and I fully understand she is the biggest priority in his life. So a big part of me says I should take things much slower than this week has gone between us, because it might be a bit much on her too. New girlfriend suddenly coming around taking up dad's time might be perceived by the munchkin as an affront to her time with dad. I don't want to do that. Kids, I'm told aren't an end to having fun, it's just a different kind of fun. That should be interesting. The Number One Rule about dating those with kids as best as I can tell is as such and something I truly need to keep in mind: It's a package deal, not a buffet. You don't get one or the other, you get both. The bond between them is greater than any thing you should have. Sounds good in the mind, I pray I keep that straight if things progress beyond the cutesy time together. Alas, I'm not quite sure what to think as he hasn't answered his phone much of the weekend. Either due to working on the car or perhaps he's spending every moment with the munchkin. I'm not precisely sure which it is, but it bothers me a bit to not know which it is. I'm so much into the idea that honesty at all times would be nice. So if JM is feeling crowded after this week, which I see as one of the most wonderful times this year, then he's gotta tell me. He's gotta tell me if there's something he wants that I haven't given. Or perhaps someone else he might be more closely interested in than me. I really haven't gotten the impression of the latter comment, but should that be the case, I'd like to know.

I've already severed a few ties in anticipation of things working out, because I want to leave no room for mistakes on my part for there to ever be an issue. So that means, Java Guy takes a hike. The Wolf doesn't get the time of day. Florida Guy is in the know that I've found someone who truly has my interest right now. Mr Recent gets a clue by four as to what it was he didn't do right at all. Etc etc etc.... My EX.... In the know now. We talked about the meaning of dating someone with kids. As in, his wisdom about the package deal has struck home in my mind. It's good that we can still talk and that he seems open to listening and advice when asked, sometimes not asked for, but advice nonetheless. And OH MY, my special friend.... He's called this week since he's moved to be closer to his sweetie. It was good to hear from him. All that uncomfortable squeamishness, it seems, has calmed down. He even congratulated me on the new boyfriend. So now, I pray, I hope, I'll try to hang on for dear life to this one (in a non-stalker way I must say) and see what time may bring for us/me. Of course, it's too early to say the words, "I LOVE YOU." It's more LUST than anything, but a frighteningly good chemistry that I feel has room to grow into something true and good.

So maybe I'm feeling impatient today. Antsy in a productive way since I've begun cleaning and have the intention of hitting the office to finish paperwork and get caught up. I just wish he would call, so I can hear that sweet deep voice and get all mooshy. I like the mooshy. Mooshy is a nice feeling since the cuddle meter this week has more than maxed in some areas. LOL Yeah, that cuddle meter's been running on E for months, but this week has more than made up for it. Oh well, back to cleaning here.... I need to keep myself busy.

~ A Happy Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Dateless No More

Turns out it's been a wonderful week here, despite being on call. Finding JM was like a godsend. So sweet, gentle, interesting, and he makes me laugh. We're always laughing. It's a great feeling. The question came up, "What do I call you?" New Boyfriend was his answer. YAY! He made me a chocolate amaretto cheese cake last night and sent me pictures of what he's bringing up Thursday. (drool) Been spoiled rotten this week, he came up ahead of schedule a few nights, very affectionate and cuddly, attentive, adorable, and comfortable. Doesn't mind romantic comedies and just watching a movie since I can't do much else this week while on call.(giddy sigh) I can't wait for tomorrow night so we can spend some more time together and sleep in, which will be nice. I'm terribly exhausted, but it's a neurotically good kind of exhaustion to say the least. I am hoping that happiness is here to stay for a while. =))

T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Side Thoughts - Revisited

How is it that I go through the barren wastes of dateless times to having two or three interests at once coming at me? ARRG! So.... I'm thinking Mr Recent as referred to in the previous post is gonna be on the outs. Strange phone conversations consisting of the phrase, "What yah doin'?" repeated more than five times. Ummmmm? Huh? Weird.

Then there's the one I'll call Wolf, because that's a safe code name for dangerously interesting. Yet piques my interest with intrigue and general silliness. We're so sarcastically alike it's highly frightening at times. So two dates, number one being good, felt safe and cozy. Date two, movies on my couch, cuddled up and grab assing wrestle mania at some point. It's all good, I get a few kisses and hugs. Yeah, this is looking realistically possible! WRONG!!!!!!!

Two dates and suddenly he's all "busy" and distracted. Getting Wolf, whom I am thinking I should call Mr Busy, to talk is like, well, it's like pulling teeth. Random things that bother him come up from what I would regard as PTSD and then it's all something to not talk about except spur of the moment like. He's got two boys who look sweet. Yet, he seems somewhat obsessed with continuously needing to fidget or move about. I really don't know what to think. Perhaps I'm misreading things, maybe he really is busy and actually helping a friend do some PI work. Don't know.... Hard saying what's real and what's my paranoid way of thinking.

The other guy, he seems to be a decent fellow, I'll call him JM. Seems pretty open minded too. He even seems to have it together fairly well. He's got a little girl who looks cute. Depending how things go with Mr Busy, JM might be coming along with me to Feast of the Hunter's Moon next weekend. Yeah, might be a plan. Either way, we'll probably hang out Thursday next week and that'll be fun, even if we're just friends. Uh-huh.... Only time will tell how this dateless wasteland turned into a free-for-all. Decisions-decision. Hmmmmmm.......

T~


...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Another 9/11 And Side Thoughts

They call it Patriot's Day. I'm not sure I would call it that, perhaps the day we got sucker punched from being arrogant in believing we, as a country, would never be attacked in such a way. I tend to not agree with why we're in Iraq now, but support the troops who have to be there due to being in the military. I know I wouldn't purposely sign up for that job, but kudos to those who would and survive it.

Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, or is that the ranch? Anyhoo, meanwhile, going through the stupid pet tricks and dating hoops here. I think I have found some one, but the behavior of someone who says they're interested and thinks I'm neater than apple pie has been showing some rather strange behavior. Like never answering a phone call and not following through with dates and/or calling to cancel. I cannot say this is boding well for Mr Recent as a friend has referred to him. Mr Recent, being the most recent man I've managed to find an interest in, but continues to be elusive and strange. Not sure when I should throw in the towel on this one. Already been through enough without getting too much more invested in a not so healthy way me thinks. Oh well, time for me to get to bed. I will likely touch on this blog again sometime in the future.

T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

It's Me Again

Yeah, it's me again. I'm back, and yah can't stop me! Buwahahahaha! Ok, so some good news of a sort for me. I no longer have MONO. Yes! No more mono, just a secondary viral pain in my ass since the mono wiped out my immune system's ability to fight off stuff like the common cold as effectively as I should be able to do on any given day. Frustrating, YES! End of the world, NO!

Thus begins the eve of my four day weekend and I have nothing much planned except some fishing and gun range time with dad. That should be fun provided this bug I have doesn't just kick my ass into sicky-poo mode again. Oh yeah, the added dilemma of finding out that once I get to dad's that gas shoots up in price over an additional dollar or two. UGH. That sucks. Another craps shoot again. yippy-skippy

Today, I ran into that certain person that I continue to have difficulty telling no. The same person who still seems to have the hots for me, but no clue as to who I really am or what I really want out of life these days. The one that has no real respect for me or his girlfriend by continuing to act the way he does. The same one that, although I told him a week or two ago that I had a mono relapse and probably shouldn't be in close contact with people until Christmas of 2006, but hopefully 2005, I'm trying to remain optimistic here. Back to long rant. --->>> The one who remains clueless as to just how close he is to getting his ass kicked based on principle alone, the Java Guy. Now, I fully admit, I am not a saint and cannot even begin to complain after some of the shit I've pulled over the years, but damnitall, I'm not just some piece of ass!

This week, I kinda met a guy who seems fairly decent and sweet . Haven't had much of a chance to start getting to know him very well, but I'm kinda hopeful I can begin a new chapter in my life. A chapter where I am not someone's secret, where I am not a commodity to check out whenever it's purely convenient for another, and well, just have someone who wants to be around me IN PUBLIC! Someone who actually wants to hear what I have to say and not pretend to put on a fake face with interest until another customer comes along to serve coffee and tea. So here's to me hoping this new guy is a genuine article rather than a hound dog looking to hump something.

Anyhoo, I decided to clean this apartment, or at least get the dishes done and hopefully keep the kitchen from looking like Hurricane Katrina hit it. Don't much care for messes, but I seem to have no problem making them around here. Wonder if that applies to the rest of my life too? Oh well, it's time to get back to work and do something productive before I decide to take a nap or something.

Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Insomnia, Other Weirdness, and Ramblings.

I can at least say I NO LONGER have mono as proven by the test results after the harpooning. Although I can't complain about the last round of blood draws, the guy did a good job in not making me appear to be like a junky looking for a vein this time. Haven't been sleeping very well lately. Hmmmm. Could it be the friggen meds?! Most likely, sleep pattern gets all in a funk with the happy steroids and other such fun stuff.

Got a bug up my arse to hit the personals for the hell of it. Decided after the fact, that I would rather take my chances playing in traffic than allow myself to be subjected to the less than desirables and idiots gallore. (Thus ends the search for something called normal.) Uh-huh. It's one thing to not have time to get out and meet people that may or may not have an interest in me, it's an entirely other animal to think that personals could possibly produce someone interested in me for the right reasons. It's all a craps shoot anyway. Right? You either find someone worthy of your time or they turn out to be a schmuck just wanting to get some and run like the dickens afterwards.

Far be it for me to complain though. Still sick, not really up to devoting spare energies into chasing someone down. Work is enough right now. Gee-Whiz, me, the reserved, yet subtle Mac truck that opens up way too fast only to get clothes lined mid-stride. It's not really self pity or loathing, it's merely pinned up frustration that has nowhere to go but inward.

So let's see, what else there rambling about my mind like buzzy little bees. Oh yeah, found an old flame, who is now getting married next year. Dangerously flirting with me, just like the old days, nothing ever came of it. No nookie, but not for a lack of his trying. Yet, I get the odd impression that that historical pursuit of said nookie, may very well be a factor again if I choose to be a moron and let him near me and the heart strings he once plucked. Oy-vey. There's still a lot of things about him that remind me as to why I was so foolish in the first place. Please not again.

So yeah, me thinks I'm heading down one helluva a bumpy-winding-rut infested-road again. Only now I see it and wonder if I will choose to just live in the cave like the allegory dwellers or go find my own flame thrower so that no one can cast a shadow my way. Poetic, yet morbid. Maybe I just need to get out of here for a week or two and have a real vacation! Yeah, here's to me looking forward to a four day weekend of sitting around here and doing nothing but contemplate cleaning, laundry, and which cook out to attend or avoid. Bleh. Oh joy, I can hardly wait.....

T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Home

So I went running around today on my last day off and looked at houses for the hell of it. It's merely a pipe dream to think of actually owning a house that I can call home. Years ago, a marriage brought all kinds of hopeful possibilities, a house, a family, all that fairy tale crap that people think about. It didn't happen, no kids, no house, and certainly no fairy tale to speak of these days. So now, my work, my job, and the mailman delivering bills seems to define my life and who I am. My hobby is yet another definition of me, but it's not my life as I thought it once was either. The hobby is good, would be better if I wasn't all sicky-poo with Mono. Yeah, feeling a little frustrated these days when all I seem to do is screw things up and have nothing much to show for it. Although I love my job still, there are days that the things I love about it also drag me down. I hope it's merely the Mono giving me second thoughts, the job keeps me entirely too busy and does not allow for enough down time to relax and recover before starting all over the next day. At the same time, the job keeps me moving, busy, and spent by the end of the day and I like it for that too, just not while bouting with icky Mono. ARRG! Oh well, done ranting now..... No more ranting today, it's time for a nap.

T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

House Cleaning Revisited

So I have this four day weekend ahead of me. A brief visit to the office to turn in paperwork, so the only thing I have to really think about doing for the next three days is cleaning and when I will take a nap. Nevermind the rest of the static and noise going on. I now choose to not continue dwelling on something that is decidedly out of my hands for the time being. Oh, I know, there's no claiming innocence in any of it..... Ummmmmm, yeah. No one is innocent. The cards will fall where they may and then it's up to everyone to either pick up those cards to play nice or get left with the Queen of Spades. Da' Bi-Atch Ain't Gonna Be Mine I Tell Yah! So I am off for a nap and I pray I can sleep off this impending head ache today.

T~


...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

One Of Those Days

The words "shoulda KNOWN better" comes to mind. I think I will leave it at that! Dating life has been quiet. Mainly due to lack of time to look around and the Mono rearing its ugly head up periodically enough that I choose not to be around people so I can get the much needed rest after work, which I think is a good source of the problem as to why I am not kicking this crap off of me like I should be able to. So, I say hi to the Java Guy today, turns out it's his girlfriend and I'm thinking oh "OH SHITE 'N' CRIKEY!" We're just friends, but now there's the added dilemma of her possibly getting very suspicious and cornering someone who might either squeal or get very upset with me for even daring to show my face on-line to say hi. Hell, haven't had time to get a cup of coffee let alone take clients out there for coffee. No time for it lately, work has been kicking my arse and I need a very much overdue break from work. Thus the four day weekend this week after being on call over the fourth and fighting a severe Mono relapse taboot. So I'm thinking, if she's suspicious enough to check the chat profile and nose around my homepage for clues, she might actually click on My Blog and read all of this. Then the cat's out of the bag. So I have this preemptive worried thought going through my head now. Woulda-coulda-shoulda. Will someone make an attempt to get physically confrontational or is someone gonna just get shut out? That someone being me. Again, shoulda KNOWN better" comes to mind. It's all a little too close for comfort and I really don't need to be playing with fire at all. PERIOD! So much for being just friends and moving beyond the initial ickiness. Now, I really don't know what the end result might be, yet I have a very vivid/morbid imagination for such worst case scenarios, and will likely just not show my face around the shop even if there is time to do that. In the meantime, resting and minor clean up around the apartment will be in order. Then maybe some sun bathing on the balcony and more resting. Rest is good. Need to rest and stop fretting about crap. My lord, this is nuts. Why is it that drama just seems to find me wherever I land? Oy-vey. Oh well, only time will tell.

T~ Possibly in trouble for nothing?

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Speak Softly And Carry A Big Stick

So I've been doing this rethinking thing where the Java Guy is concerned. That particularly needy yet devious side of me wanted to just pursue, consume, and crush him with every bit of sweetness I had to give. Once I saw the girlfriend, it became utterly and painfully apparent that there were real people involved in all of this. That's just not me to come between two people, not for me to be the one to ruin something for someone else. Been there, done that, not a fun prospect when you have to look in the mirror and like yourself in the days to come. Right? Right! Can't say that it doesn't hurt, but such is life in a string of stupid choices. In the meantime, Java Guy wants to introduce me to a friend of his. I can only hope this was a decision he made in my best interests rather than his own. I also have Hmmm. I don't know. Perhaps I am passing judgment upon the whole situation created by myself and another. It's a real downer to think about in that way. Got used. Now I have to deal with that. Yuck. So I'm willing to take yet another risk, hoping that it's not a HUGE mistake. Again, I just don't know what to think anymore. So I'm thinking this friend of Java Guy's will get introduced to my big brothers in the SCA who fight heavy with big sticks and shields beating the snot out of each other. If that doesn't scare him off, perhaps he has good intentions? LOL YEAH BABY! If he doesn't run off screaming, then maybe he'll stay in line and treat me right. I have no clue. I hate not knowing how to read minds. I need to work on that whole ESP thing. I should be good at it with all the work I do with attempting to the read minds of clients. Uh-huh. Oh well, more to come later.

~T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Rethinking

One week and now I'm wondering about my need to rant and vent the other day. Rant-rant-rant-RANT! I feel better now though. I heard from the Java-Guy..... That helped ease my mood a bit from prickly to nearly suede. LOL I suppose the romantical side of me wants to believe he's feeling remorseful and I feel the urge to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but I just don't know yet. Friends is good, I think he likes that idea. Again, the overly suspicious side of me feels that it's a way to cover his ass. The other side of me says he's feeling bad because of the position I might have faced should things have gone truly bad. I have two clients that will only go to his coffee shop. I never want to feel I have to take that away from either of them because I can't bring myself to look the man in the eye the next time I see him. One night stand or not, here's to the benefit of the doubt and me cautiously testing out the new waters that have been placed before me. Tread softly? Or thrash madly? No clue yet. We'll see what happens.

~T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

House Cleaning

Nothing says moving on like Jimi Hendrix tunes and going through OLD crates of papers you thought you would never ever possibly live without. I can't imagine what I was thinking 15 years ago while in Middle and High School. Now, I'm going through old folders from classes I probably couldn't remember the teacher's name let alone 10% of my classmates names. So I'm basically picking through folders and papers. Tossing unfinished letters, reminiscing about the old days, and keeping story and fiction bits I've jotted down on scraps here and there. Perhaps I will find a new jewel to write!

Barring the fact I still have four days of paper work from the office to catch up on, I feel I am being personally productive and keeping just busy enough to not think about men too much. Gotta love Jimi! I might toss in some Rolling Stones before too long and continue with the paper shredding and rummaging. It's time to clean house in more ways than one and that seems to be the word of the day. Putter on and get over it. LOL Things could be worse, can't quite imagine how, other than the roof caving in. EEK! I better not think about that.

In the meantime, I'm gonna soldier on and burn inscents. Happy-Happy Joy-Joy Happy-Happy Joy-Joy Happy-Happy Joy-Joy Happy-Happy Joy-Joy. LOL I'm fine! REALLY!

~T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Friday the 13th

So I want to vent today. I seem to have this pattern of finding all the wrong people for me. ARRG! So I meet up with the Java Guy. I'm smitten for weeks with this one. I found out he's got a girl all a little too late, but we flirted for a while. Things just kinda came to a head. Do or die. Hit or miss. Yah know, the opportunity train isn't waiting on your ass to get on if you're not sure. SO GET IT ON! Seems like he's fairly genuine. Keeping in mind I'm not a mind reader, I'm merely plugging along in life looking for something real and true. Temporarily fun? No such luck these days.

Perhaps I did learn something in all of this. If the man's got a girl just run away screaming like mad, "NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN! SWEET JESUS, NEVER AGAIN." I somehow doubt that will work. So now, he's avoiding me. I only have the no contact in nearly a week to go by,but something tells me, he's not going to knock on my door again anytime soon. Going on what I have seen in some typical male fashion, he got his trophy nookie and now he's got his bragging rights on a booty call. Ugh. Perhaps I might be jumping the gun by passing judgment, but it sure does seem like things are quite the mess now. Well, a mess for me I suppose. Is it too much to ask to have a bit of communication? I don't know what he's thinking. He hasn't bothered to clue anyone in on what he's thinking. Gee-whiz. I'm so happy about that I could just play in traffic now.

So what do I do now? I haven't a clue, other than mend what I have left of my pride and revisit the thought of becoming a hermit in the Rockies like Grizzly Adams or something. Shoot at anyone that comes onto the property and train black flies to carry away intruders. LOL Oh I don't know. I need to rethink the whole rebounding like a mad woman fiasco and take the advice of a friend who is a professional therapist. LIVE ALONE. LIKE LIVING ALONE. DON'T BASE YOUR LIFE ON SOMEONE ELSE AGAIN. BE YOU. BE OK WITH YOU. LIKE YOURSELF. 'N' FER FOOKS SAKE STAY AWAY FROM THE PRETTY BOYS.

Yeah, things with Java Guy went something like too much, too fast, too little, too late, and now not a damn thing to show for it but my nerves grating upon the edge of true logic and reasoning. I thought I had a good grip on the possibilities after the fact, but now I have to wonder just what the hell it was I was thinking in the long run. Grrrr. ARRG. Wuaaaaaaah! My lucky week has landed me in the middle of mono relapse due to stress. Not really his fault I took it harder than I thought I would. Throw in a rough work week of being sick and my Yahoo! Account getting stolen. Been fighting that all week long and now, I'm sitting here on a Friday night feeling rather cranky, because I'm on steroids and feeling a little bit used and discarded, disregarded, and plain ol' DISSED! What a pisser.

I mean if you tell the girl you boffed in a weird panty raid and ran out on that you're feeling pretty guilty, wouldn't you at least try to make sure that your ass was covered? Follow-up? Call? I mean if you're feeling particularly guilty? Wouldn't you do something besides hide in your figurative closet? He's lucky that I'm not like some people that I know of that would otherwise stalk, call, pester, attempt to ruin another's life, and otherwise make someone feel in fear of their life. Man, the people I know make me look quite normal!

I know I'm not crazy. Good thing for most people around me. If I didn't have the capacity to have and maintain a moral compass to not maim, kill, destroy, and otherwise become the shooter in the bell tower. YEOW! Look out. Think about all those crazy ass movies out there with murder and mayhem! Someone had to imagine that for our entertainment! Sick people out there. I'm glad I'm not one of those. I hear voices, and they don't like you. That's what I deal with in my job sometimes. No joke, it's my job. Weird.

Alas, I feel I will chalk it up as a booty call gone sorely awry and move on. It's just gonna take me some time to settle on the fact I got suckered. It'll take me even more time to get over the fact that maybe, just maybe, the pickings are slim and that maybe I should just go with plan A and move someplace remote and secluded and take up fly fishing. Ugh.

In the meantime, still talking to the Florida guy. He's still considering moving up to be with me. Not too long ago he was trying to talk me into settling in Charlotte or Norfolk or someplace not Indiana or Florida. Alas, I am here for the long run. I'm not going anywhere and well, that's that. I have a career. I have goals. I have dreams. I have hopes. And most of all, I will eventually have a life that's meant for me to happy within. I just wish I knew when! Oh well. I wrote a poem this morning. Here it is and then I'm outta here for a night of pathetic and woeful movie watching alone in the living room with camp chairs. Maybe I'll make some tea and count the dust bunnies that keep multiplying around here. Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Take a nap. Yah know, my exciting life keeps getting better and better. Here's to me getting on with my non-existent life. Yippee.

Soldier On

Shoot for the moon

Take a risk

And miss

Paint this place with a visionary brush

Walking downtown to stroll along the bustling sidewalks

Seeking inspiration while wishing for kindred company of another's soul

Like bouquets of the season

Tear drops fall from the landing's bridge

Buses roll in and out of the hub

Lovers running to and from one another

Music on a warm Friday night

Cajun, Blues, and Soul

My blues

The quiet tune that no one hears

Walking by that one last shop near the corner

Turning to make my way home through court yards and brick laid streets

Woefully alone

No one around except the old man singing for a change in scenery

Looking for that next bus ticket to move to next town

Oh where is Venus?

That random smile in the dark meant only for me?

Cupid?

Where do I find the strength to soldier on?

~T~

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

My week as a hermit

So today is the first day I have come close to feeling human again. I mean my head doesn't feel like it's on the verge of exploding, the thought of eating is actually appealing, and I manage to get to the office and put in four hours of paper work time to catch up on signing off on notes. Our team employment support specialist came in, saw me, spoke a little bit and I could tell she was thinking "I better not get mono woman." My boss came in, seemed utterly amazed to see me alive and breathing. His main comment was "I hope I don't have mono, that would suck." Or something along those lines. Yes, it does suck. Other than that,I am faced with the likelihood of having little to no pay check coming unless someone finds it within their heart to donate a few of their vacation days to me so I can foot next months bills. I don't' expect it and don't foresee it happening anytime soon. I will be exceptionally surprised if someone does help me out. I just pray I can make it out of bed tomorrow and get back to work without too much trouble. In the meantime, I think today being the first time out of the house in a week was a bit of a milestone and hope the energy is available to do it again tomorrow. Wish me luck!

T-

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

I have Mono :((

So all weekend at the Spring Event I felt like crap. I felt even crappier come Monday morning. I call my doc and see if I can get in, figuring it's the old stand by of strep or tonsil idis, something that plagued my childhood. I get there, go through the usual triage of questions and symptoms. I'm insisting it's strep or tonsil idis, been there, done that, feels about the same. Nope, doc says, just in case, you should go to the lab and get "harpooned" for some blood to test and rule out Mono. It's not Mono, it can't be mono. It was mono. I'm DOOOOOMED! SO I've spent the last week of work off feeling like total shite, sleeping, sipping warm tea, soup, and sleeping. Typhoid Molly at your service. Bleh. I've lost nearly a week's worth of pay over this jazz and there's not a thing I can do about it except let the Mono run its course since it's viral and no antibiotics will help. Throw in the swollen throat from hell and ear pain, I'm on the verge of delirium and madness. Rob has been a champ for me, went and got groceries for me and some ciggies. I haven't really left the house since Monday and talk about stir craziness. One perk of the whole week, found someone to talk to that I've had a mild crushy interest in for a while. It's so puppy doggy that I think it'll wind up being nothing more than me blushing the next time I step foot in the coffee shop with or without a client. Seems like a nice guy, seems really good with people from what I have observed, good looking, has this irresistible bad-boy aura going on like he's been around the world a few times, runs this cool eclectic looking local coffee shop that I like to frequent because they've got some awesome coffee, tea, and bluesy ambiance you just can't beat. I'd kill for a home delivery right about now. He's all that and likely unavailable and that would be yet another one of life's cruel zingers bestowed upon me as of late. Either way, something to excite the imagination and create wistful thoughts about for a few days. Soooooooooo other than talking to the crush, this week has been a bust and I'm ready to begin feeling human again any day now. Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty lame this week. So here's to hoping the one conversation with the Java Guy doesn't turn into nothing more than small talk and a few painfully awkward moments the next time I step foot into his coffee shop. OY! What was I thinking? Must've been the fever talking. LOL Mweh. Back to bed here.

Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Gulf Wars -Revisited

As I said before, not too much to report. The trip down was hellish due to a demonic and maniacally possessed trailer that tried to deliver us all to Hades every so often. Therefore, we had to drive extra slow down there, have cranky people getting on each other's nerves, snarkiness, and just plain tired! Then we left a day earlier than planned, not sure of how the trailer would behave being packed differently, so we left site like 6 or 7 Saturday night and got home Sunday around 5-ish. UGH! Then I got to drive a round trip from Jolly Ol' Lafayette, Indiana up to Chicago and drop off two friends and turn straight around to go home. Only to find that no one bothered to put away unloaded trailer goodies, so I had to do that myself. The upside to this whole trip was meeting a real sweetie while at War. Now, we talk 2-5 hours a day on the cellies and it's all good and fun. Recently, he's thought of moving up to Indiana since he lives in Florida. RED LIGHT! RED LIGHT! Yes, Gulf Wars was fun, it was great to have someone fun to hang out with all week long. It was WAR and WAR does not translate to REAL WORLD, and I'm not so sure I want him to move here on the chance it might not work out very well and then I'm the one feeling like an ass because he moved up here just for me and it didn't work. I don't want to break the poor boy's heart that way. I hear from SCA veterans that people behave quite differently outside of War and that makes me take pause with extreme caution. I like him a lot, but right now, too much to deal with on the home front with a divorce looming on my horizon. Hubs dumped that one on me the day after I got back from Gulf Wars. How nice! I can't say that I didn't want it to happen, feeling there are better things out there for the both of us, just not us together anymore. It seems to be working out so far. I have the apartment up front and he's moving into my old place in the back and that's a friggen weird-arse situation, but we talk like old friends and it's working so far. No complaints there. In the meantime, Florida guy is willing to let me sort things out with that special friend who has a decision making impairment. I essentially gave him his movies back and a CD I had made with a note inside. I anticipate that either he will act in some stereotypical male fashion and toss it aside and not look at for a few weeks. Or it will lay around until the girlfriend finds it and GOES OFF like a BANSHEE! Either way, it sums up to this, being friends is fine, being more than friend is even finer, but whatever he's going to do, he needs to just DO IT! No more hot and cold - I JUST CANNOT TAKE THAT SCENARIO ANYMORE! ARRG! Oh well, end rant here. I have to get ready for the barony spring event and that involves a laundry mat and serious motivation to get it done tonight because I go on call again in the morning at 8 AM and need to get it done before then. YAY-Rah.

Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Turning Point? Or Merely Yet Another Beginning?

So yeah, that special friend from last night calls me to say he's bailing out on the movie invite due to thinking about it while not having an alcohol induced lapse of reason. I shoulda said take the early movie! He would have had less time to think about it. GAH! Anyhoo, feeling a bit on the disappointed side. Again with the frustration and confusion! OY! I'm attempting to look at the bright side, if there is indeed one to be found. So crisis averted, no awkward "Gee-Whiz, last night got a little on the border line of reason." Well sorta, I was just getting out of the shower when he called and I could hear the gears grinding in his head when I told him this, possibly smell the smoke from the other side of town? Asking me something along the lines of, "Would you be upset if I canceled tonight?" Of course I'm gonna feel upset! And of course I understand the reasoning behind said bailing out on me. It doesn't mean I have to like it, but such is life. So back to the averted crisis. No hanky panky to worry about or anticipate, at least tonight. I have to wonder if he realizes what he does to me every time I see him! Canceling would seem to be the least of my problems, that Norah Jones CD is gonna get a work out for a few days. It's amazing how with just being in the room with him and I can feel the pull of some neurotic attraction going on. Am I crazy? Sometimes I feel like I am where he is concerned. Again, I'll attempt to give him some space, but I'm debating right now: To Call or Not To Call, that is the question. Most likely I will not call, feeling chickeny about it and well, again, he's one struggling man. ARRRG! I feel like a bundle of nerves and very aware of my anxious energy that has nearly launched me out the front door to drive across town. GAH! I don't want to do this again, go through those long periods of time where we don't talk because something else happened between us. Yet I want to be selfish and keep him for myself. What kind of person does that make me? The person who broke up a good relationship? A relationship I don't know much about other than what others have said. He's happy. Right? That's reason why he bailed right? He doesn't want to be around me because I make him feel just as crazy. No simple solution to it really. Wuaaaaaaaaaah! Off to go watch chic flicks and possibly just go to bed and get some sleep with intermittent waking up and wishing for something other than a teddy bear and two teenage cats to cuddling with.

Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

State of mind

So last night, that certain special someone who inspired a few poems has quietly crept back into my life again. Months of feeling confused and lost and believing I had totally lost a friend came back to me. Dinner and a few beers later, we're talking, discussing the last agonizing months of awkward phone contacts and chance meetings within fighter practice and such. Hearing rumors of him moving away and EGADS!!! Leaving the barony. Knowing that he's happy with someone else didn't make things any easier on me. So I pined and listened to Norah Jones for weeks and now have that same CD playing. Still sorting things out, because whenever I am around this sweetness that he is, I feel like shouting a professed attraction that's been there since I can remember. It's a terminal attraction. One BIG lustful terminal attraction. Grrrr.... I don't know how much more I can take before I tie him to a tree. As adorable as he is, sweet and adorable, he is a good man and I cannot fault him for trying to be strong and do the right thing by his girlfriend. But damnitall! Day late and a dollar short and frustrated now. I feel taken and taken aback by how much confusion and pain to sort through all of this was and then last night, come to a meaningful discussion over what happened and what went wrong and why it went the way it did, it seems all for naught if it would occur again and wind up where I was months ago. And he kisses me, sending me right up to the edge of reason and I REALLY wanted to jump him in the parking lot for that one. Torture! It was torture for us both I am sure. Temptation is a terrible thing not to follow through on sometimes, alas, I don't think I could handle a repeat of last year again. To be mine is one thing, to be someone else's is another. I cannot rightfully say I want to break up his happy place, but still, I desire that neurotic couple of weeks of temporary bliss that was and may never be again without destroying him. Mweh.... Sooooooooooo, I needed to vent and I'm done for now. Hangover has not subsided and I need to unpack my stuff. Too much to do! ARRG!

Tammolly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin

Gulf Wars

Well, I made it there and back to Gulf Wars XIV. WHAT A BLAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The drive there and back sucked, but was totally worth the effort and pleasure of some VERY sweet and great company. Not much new to speak of otherwise. Consider this a very bored and boring post of mine. Felt the urge to make a few keyboard pecks. In the meantime, I am about to begin the process of a separation and we'll see how well that goes. GAWD! Too much to think about now.

T-Molly

...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel...
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin